Thursday, November 10, 2005


Dear People of God

It was only a matter of time before I had to admit that I have more anathemas to issue than I have time to write. If not for my other studies, I could keep up, but that's just not tenable at the moment. So I have prepared a form letter threatening excommunication. You may be getting one soon, with all the appropriate selections highlighted, but if you evidence humility and eager submission by contacting me with a confession beforehand (thereby saving me trouble and possibly international postage), restitution will be accordingly light.

My dear (choose one)
  • unrepentant sinner
  • flaming heretic
  • erring sister/brother,
As you are doubtless aware, it is the solemn and rightful duty of a bishop, as a gentle shepherd, to guide and sustain the Church of God in its sojourn as it awaits the return of its Lord and the inauguration of his Kingdom. Though presently in exile, I still claim this office as the Bishop of the Georgetown See of the Free Catholic Church.

It well said by John Gauden in his Slight Healings of Publique Hurts (1660), that the Church of God should be overseen
"not by the dominion and the pomp, luxury and tyranny of bishops, nor yet by the factious as refractory humours of presbyters, much less by the schismatic sauciness of people, who cast off both bishop and presbyters; but by the fatherly gravity, prudence and eminence of godly and reverend bishops; by the brotherly assistance, and son-like subordination of suber and orderly presbyters, by the service and obsequiousness of humble and diligent deacons; and by the meek submission of Christian people to the care, monition, counsel, and respective superiority of every order; as sheep to their chief shepherd, and their assistants."
Bound up in this vocation is the responsibility to correct erring persons, to quench the destructive flames of heresy, and enjoy regular pay raises.

It is a matter of no small concern to me that you have recently (choose any that apply):
  • taken up the false and vile doctrines of the Campbellites
  • given hospitality and/or been polite to Mormons
  • suffered the odious practice of popish devotions
  • oppressed the poor in spirit, particularly ____________.
  • taught heterodox or unduly harsh ideas regarding sexuality
  • repeatedly trounced his Lordship in Halo
  • propagated the doctrine of double predestination
  • officiated at or participated in a patriotic church service
  • dissing Georgetown College
  • Other: ______________________________
These actions are like stench rising from the earth into the nostrils of the Most High God, and in addition have had the effect of (choose any that apply):
  • irritating his Lordship
  • inflaming the local peasantry to riot
  • scandalizing the nobility
  • offending the piety and consciences of the faithful people of God
  • stirring up undue guilt in the parishes outside of stewardship season
  • decreasing diocesan revenues
You are hereby given notice of your responsibility to acknowledge and repent this/these error(s), and offer suitable penance on pain of excommunication and anathema. Appropriate penance will include (choose one):
  • purchase of a new crozier for his Lordship
  • public renunciation of said errors
  • a reconcilation offering of $___ or £___
  • making dinner for his Lordship, with a nice cheesecake for dessert
  • submitting to be offered by the Church to its merciful and loving God through the medium of being burned alive at the stake until dead, at which point your ashes will be scattered on unconsecrated ground.
You have (choose one): 10 30 60 days to respond to this letter before the appropriate sentences of excommunication and anathema are issued.

Love and kisses,

+ Kyle Georgetowniensis


Anonymous said...

"But as to my excommunication, it came from heretics and, in Christ's name, I trample it underfoot, and the curse written against me--why, not to mince words, I wipe my arse with that."

--The Archpriest Avvakum in 1668 upon hearing of his excommunication by the patriarch of Moscow, for ignoring recent reforms, and upholding the ancient traditions and practices of the Russian Orthodaox Church. From "The Life of Archpriest Avvakum, by himself", found in Medieval Russia's Epics, Chronicles, and Tales, Serge A. Zenkovsky, editor. 1974. Meridian Books, ISBN 0452010861

Kyle said...

You're great, Arlen. But even so, bring your own matches...

#Debi said...

"...propagated the doctrine of double predestination"

Shouldn't that be "double secret predestination"?

Expax said...

This is way too funny. *ROFL* *LMAO*

JHearne said...

Crap... I should have known not to give Kyle my address.

Kyle said...

Ha! Nice, Debi. You're right.

And Josh... you're worth the stamp...

Peter said...

Well, at least I don't have to lose sleep about trouncing his Lordship at Halo. I can cross that one off the list. So I've got that going for me.

Eyrezer said...

"repeatedly trounced his Lordship in Halo"

lol - definitely an excommunicatable offence!

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