It was only a matter of time before I had to admit that I have more anathemas to issue than I have time to write. If not for my other studies, I could keep up, but that's just not tenable at the moment. So I have prepared a form letter threatening excommunication. You may be getting one soon, with all the appropriate selections highlighted, but if you evidence humility and eager submission by contacting me with a confession beforehand (thereby saving me trouble and possibly international postage), restitution will be accordingly light.
My dear (choose one)
- unrepentant sinner
- flaming heretic
- erring sister/brother,
It well said by John Gauden in his Slight Healings of Publique Hurts (1660), that the Church of God should be overseen
"not by the dominion and the pomp, luxury and tyranny of bishops, nor yet by the factious as refractory humours of presbyters, much less by the schismatic sauciness of people, who cast off both bishop and presbyters; but by the fatherly gravity, prudence and eminence of godly and reverend bishops; by the brotherly assistance, and son-like subordination of suber and orderly presbyters, by the service and obsequiousness of humble and diligent deacons; and by the meek submission of Christian people to the care, monition, counsel, and respective superiority of every order; as sheep to their chief shepherd, and their assistants."Bound up in this vocation is the responsibility to correct erring persons, to quench the destructive flames of heresy, and enjoy regular pay raises.
It is a matter of no small concern to me that you have recently (choose any that apply):
- taken up the false and vile doctrines of the Campbellites
- given hospitality and/or been polite to Mormons
- suffered the odious practice of popish devotions
- oppressed the poor in spirit, particularly ____________.
- taught heterodox or unduly harsh ideas regarding sexuality
- repeatedly trounced his Lordship in Halo
- propagated the doctrine of double predestination
- officiated at or participated in a patriotic church service
- dissing Georgetown College
- Other: ______________________________
- irritating his Lordship
- inflaming the local peasantry to riot
- scandalizing the nobility
- offending the piety and consciences of the faithful people of God
- stirring up undue guilt in the parishes outside of stewardship season
- decreasing diocesan revenues
- purchase of a new crozier for his Lordship
- public renunciation of said errors
- a reconcilation offering of $___ or £___
- making dinner for his Lordship, with a nice cheesecake for dessert
- submitting to be offered by the Church to its merciful and loving God through the medium of being burned alive at the stake until dead, at which point your ashes will be scattered on unconsecrated ground.
Love and kisses,
+ Kyle Georgetowniensis